“Ok so lesson learned… again.  Don’t tinker with your medication without talking to or working with your doctor.  I know this to be true.  I don’t know why I did it but here I am.  I’ve been unable to work and hardly functional.  The good news is that I was able to reach out to my doctor and set up an emergency appointment for this week.  The bad news Is that the hardship I’ve put my family will linger much longer.  Having a mental illness during a time of such social and political unrest is hard enough without becoming destabilized because of your own misjudgment.  I’m trying not to be too hard on myself but that’s the way it goes.”

That’s the message I posted on my Instagram account @bipolarmomlife recently.  So the question remains, why do we do this to ourselves?  I’ve posted before about the reasons why we (meaning those of us with mental illness) mess with our medications.  But knowing the reasons and making the thoughtful choice to stop ourselves and work with a doctor instead seem to be at a mismatch… at least for me.  Now I’m left struggling to stay afloat and anticipating the process of helping my family to heal again once I’m stabilized again.

I have no particular words of wisdom for this post.  Just an honest reflection of where I’m at and it is very uncomfortable place to be.  I hope the next time I am tempted to make a self-imposed adjustment I remember what it felt like to be in this emotional space and reconsider.  I hope.

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