So tonight has me pondering a topic that has remained elusive and nearly impossible for me master. That topic is ANGER and how do I/we manage it. I am filled to the brim with Buddhist sayings, mindfulness techniques, and all sorts of metaphorical reasons and methodologies on how to manage it. When I am calm, all these beautiful explanations come freely to my mind and are easily explained to my children. But when I am angry, dear God run for your life. Nothing will pacify the wrath. I transform into Medusa and the only goal I have is to destroy everything in my path. Yes, it’s better when I am on my medication blah blah blah but truthfully, I always struggle with self-control in this area. I either take one of two routes. I am either so stunned that I say nothing at all and pretend that I am not upset or I completely unload like a tempest storm. Let me give you an example:
This evening I was supposed to get my COVID vaccine. I spent all day with 4 kids managing fights, meals, and everything in between. By the time it was 5:30pm, I loaded all of them into the car to make the 40-minute drive to the hospital where I was supposed to meet my husband so he could watch the kids while I went in. The problem was that he got stuck late at work and by the time he left, I received the text that all the vaccines were out and we would have to wait until more were ordered. Now if my husband had been there on time, which was 40 minutes earlier, I would have made it in time to get my shot. However, by the time I got the news my nerves were frayed, I had come to realize how badly I wanted to get the vaccine in the first place, and I was beyond pissed at my husband for miscalculating how long he would have to remain at work. At times, this would not trigger my anger to the extent that it did this evening. But tonight, oh gosh. It was dreadful. I was fuming mad. Completely livid… and no amount of Buddhist sayings or lemon balm calming tea could pacify me. Which leads me to the next bit. Here I am. At a local BAR. Drinking with my computer while typing this blog. Now I suppose I could give myself credit for acknowledging that I needed to step out of the house before I became irrational and blew up at anyone…but surely there must be a better way. Please, please if you have a tried-and-true solution, enlighten me. I am at a loss on this end.
Believe it or not, I do have a point here. The point is this… Does bipolar disorder come into play here or is this strictly a temperament thing? I am no stranger to anger but is it inherited or is it the result of mental illness? Further, do you have a solution/comfort/mantra that helps you? If so, I’d be very interested in hearing what it is. Please help me. As for the moment, the alcohol and time out of the house has helped me but please tell me there’s a better way. I promise I’m listening.