Here is the original blog post I wrote, which is what inspired me to create Bipolar Mom Life. I hope it inspires some to be brave and others to know they are not alone.

I debated on whether or not to write this post for a very long time.  I’d swing back and forth between feeling like I should just own who I am and throw myself out there until the pendulum would inevitably swing the other way and I’d revert back to the very private person I usually am.  But I’ve been doing some soul searching lately and come to the conclusion that I put up far too many walls for myself.  As a result, I end up holding back and remaining silent rather than reaching out and sharing my experience.  So in light of personal growth, allow me to tell you a little about myself…

I was about 16 when the symptoms first began.  I stopped sleeping.  Sometimes I’d be up for days without so much as an hour to get me through.  My mind raced so horribly fast that I could barely organize a single thought.  To cope with this feeling of the world not spinning as fast as I was, I began feverishly writing pages upon pages of poetry all night long until it was time for me to “wake up” and go to school. I started imagining plans to build businesses and make millions of dollars or perhaps I’d just flee the country.  After a while these thoughts became more bizarre and I thought I could control other people with my mind.  Eventually, I began hearing a voice at night calling the name of an angel who I knew was coming to lead me on a spiritual journey.  My brain was like a huge boulder rolling downhill gaining speed and momentum with each second and nothing was able to slow it down.  In later years, I’d abuse drugs and alcohol in an attempt to curb how fast everything was spinning for me.  My life felt far from my own ability to control.

This high would ultimately be followed by a crippling depression.  I’d withdraw, sleep all day, and fall into a deep pit of hopelessness.  I contemplated suicide daily – the only question being whether or not I was brave enough to pull it off.  These cycles continued for years until I finally managed to drag myself into a psychiatrist’s office, knowing I likely wouldn’t survive another depressive episode.  I was 19 years old when I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder.  With the help of supportive doctors and therapists, I was able to get stabilized on a medication regime that has allowed me to get to where I am today.  A wife, mother, nurse, and now advocate.

When I was first diagnosed, I had no idea what was happening to me.  I was scared, angry, and felt very much alone.  Next month, I will be giving my first presentation to a group of high schoolers about the stigma of mental illness.  We’ll cover all levels of topics from what is mental health and the warning signs of mental illness to suicide and how to cope.  I’m trying to give back to the community what I never had – someone who says, “It’s okay.  I see you.  You’re not alone.”  I’m trying to give my patients at work what I always needed – a nonjudgmental ear and understanding heart.  I’m trying to show people that you can make it through some very deep, dark places and still live a life worth celebrating.

My struggle is far from over.  Living with bipolar is something that feels very much in my face every single day.  This is a life-long condition and I will always have to work closely with a doctor for the rest of my life.  But for all those who are feeling alone today, I’m with you.  I’m asking you to celebrate what’s messy, uncensored, and raw. We can be brave and share our stories.  That’s what raising awareness is all about.

Let me take a moment to give you a bit of background about myself and the reason why I am starting this blog.  I am a wife, mother to four young boys, and psychiatric nurse who also happens to live with bipolar disorder.  I was diagnosed back when I was 19 and am 38 now so I’ve been managing this condition for about 20 years now.  Up until a couple of months ago it was all a secret.  Only my husband and a select few other friends and family members knew about my diagnosis.  However, suffering in silence and alone finally ended for me when I decided to come out and publicly share with all that I have this condition.  I thought about it for months after I began to feel more and more like a hypocrite for working in the mental health field and preaching to my patients and family members about ending the stigma and normalizing mental health care – yet here I was living in silence and shame with the same condition for which many of my patients were seeking treatment.  I summoned all my courage despite receiving advice not to go forward with my decision (which I obviously ignored), and wrote a post on my personal blog simply titled ‘Bipolar,’ which I will share with you all on Mercurial Mind.  The response was outstanding.  I received nothing but love, positivity, and encouragement.  From there, I saw a real need to speak out and connect with others who may also be suffering in silence.  I’m trying to build a community of people who need a safe place to be seen, heard, and share their truths.  It’s time to walk the talk and make a change in the way the world views mental health – one step, one voice at a time. 

I will be as open and honest with you all as possible in spite of my natural tendency to smile and say ‘Everything’s great.’ Transparency will be the name of the game and I have no doubt that you’ll see that personal struggle play out here.  But at the end of the day I am here, motivated only by my desire to connect and uplift.  So without further ado, welcome to Mercurial Mind!