I’ve been on a fairly good streak lately. I’m taking my medication every day without missing doses. As a result, there’s been a noticeable absence of mood swings. I feel like I should be marching forward and just handling things in my life as they come, but I’m not. At least not entirely. For the sake of my health, I’m finding that my decision to switch from part-time to full-time was a big mistake. Working full-time with a severe mental illness is proving to be increasingly difficult. I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with day to day living due to exhaustion and just a general feeling of being overwhelmed. And then there’s my birthday coming up. It’s a big one. I turn 40 this week and that has brought with it its own share of anxiety. I can’t even quite figure out where it’s coming from. I’m just sad and anxious for some reason that I can’t put my finger on. I’m hoping that when the day comes, I wake up feeling like celebrating. My husband and I are going out to dinner that night and then I’m going out with my work friends the next night so there’s plenty of chances for my mood to turn. I want to be fun or at least appear to be fun no matter what I’m actually feeling that day.
In the meantime, I am shocked by how many pills it takes to manage my life and keep my head above water – add 4 kids, no family nearby, and the day-to-day pressure gets to be too much. I don’t know where I’m going where this post, but sometimes I just want to yell, “HELP!” from the water and hope somebody throws me a lifeline. So, HELP! Is anyone out there? Words of wisdom? Commiseration? Something.